The Parody of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Hipsters
by RedIsNotAColour
Summary: Mrs Pevensie has had enough; she's sending her children off to a summer camp prized for its ability to 'straighten out' any child. Her four children-Skaterboy Peter, Attention Seeker Susan, Obsessive Gamer Edmund and Lucy the Gossip-aren't happy about it. Events of the first film as though the Pevensies are from the Modern Day-Irregular Updates (Sorry!)-Mild Language-Obvious AU-
1. Prologue

**I want to start by telling you that this fic has mild swearing in it, nothing you wouldn't hear on tv (probably even milder than that, to be honest) ****Besides that, it's totally harmless. I****f you don't like reading that sort of thing, you can't say I didn't warn you.**

**I would like to thank my friend Laurawesome for BETAing this fic ^-^**

**This fic is just my way of laughing at 'the popular kids'; you know, there's at least ten in every class. i'm sure you'll be able to relate to knowing at least a few people like my Remastered!Pevensies. Each Pevensie is the same age as they are in the films:**

**Peter = 13/14 - I based him on 'hipsters', the kind you find shopping in TopMan and such.**

**Susan = 12/13 - I based her on 'chavs/WAGs', I know so many of these types of people it's actually not even funny anymore.**

**Edmund = 10/11 - I based him on 'Gamers' and_ my_ brother, actually. Think of Mike Teavee from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory.**

**Lucy = 8/9 - Again, I based her on people I know, but a younger version, 'Chavlettes' as i call them, or 'WAGs-in-training'. Think Verruca Salt from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. **

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**Disclaimer: If I owned Narnia, I'd be Clive Staples Lewis; He wouldn't write something like this, seeing as he wouldn't know what a hipster is... ****I'd also be dead. So, in a way, I'm quite glad I don't own it.**

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"Ugh," Lucy Pevensie sighed into her mobile phone. "So yeah, I was like 'No way' and he was all like 'Yes way, because Issy told me that Eric told Maria about it' and it's really annoying because, like, Becky told me Liam said he'd be like that about it but it's just, Brandon told me that, like, Chelsea had told Stacey who was told by Zack who is friends with Emily that-"

She jumped as her bedroom door swung open, crashing against the pink-painted wall to reveal her oldest brother, Peter. "You stole my iPod, didn't you?!" He demanded, running his fingers through his fringe to keep it spiky; he spent hours every morning straightening his dyed-blond hair, and then caking it in gel to attain the desired 'bad-boy' hairstyle that he thought looked good with _or_ without one of his snapback baseball caps. Todays light blue and yellow cap had '#YOLO' in metallic lettering across the front panel.

Lucy whipped around, her meticulously straightened hair swishing about her face. "Do you mind? I'm _trying _to, like, have a conversation here."

Peter sucked in his cheeks in annoyance. "You're always taking it, just give it back now!"

"I don't have your stupid iPod…I have my own, remember?" Lucy fished her iPod out of her jewellery box. "It's pink? This is obviously mine…unless you're gay?"  
"I am not!"

"Oh, you _so_ are!" One of Lucy's favourite past times (Besides gossiping, of course) was winding up her siblings.

"No I'm not!"

"What's wrong with being gay?"

"_Nothing_!_ I'm_ just _not_!"

"Yes you are; there's no point in denying it!"

"I am _not_! I like girls!"

Lucy raised an eyebrow at him in disbelief.

"I do! I like boobs!"

"You're gross, Pete, d'y'know that? Jesus, TMI or what…"

"Shut up!" Peter huffed, pulling the hood of his red hoodie over his head with a flourish.

The _tap tap tap _of their sister, Susan's high-as-humanly-possible-heels could be heard for a few minutes, until she appeared in the doorway. Her brown dip-dyed-pink hair, pulled painfully back into a high ponytail, swished from side-to-side as she nearly tripped over on her shoes. "Where is it?" She questioned dramatically.

"What?" Peter asked half-heartedly, as he had been distracted by his reflection in Lucy's bedside mirror.

Susan threw her arms in the air with irritation that neither of her siblings were paying enough attention to her. "My mascara! You've used it again, haven't you, Lucy?"

"For Christ's sake!" Lucy yelled. "I didn't take your prissy little mascara brush, alright?!_ I HAVE MY OWN!_"

Susan crossed her arms over her chest. "I know you stole it." She pouted.

Peter tore his eyes away from the mirror and placed his hands on his hips. "_And_ you took my iPod."

Lucy groaned with frustration and clicked the _End Call_ button on her phone without saying goodbye to her friend. "No I didn't…And I thought we already covered that I'm using _my own_ iPod!"

"Yes you did!"

"No I-"

"What the fuck is all the noise about?" Their brother Edmund had wandered in, unnoticed until then. He didn't even look up from his games console or turn down the music playing through the earphone stuck in his left ear as he spoke. "I can hear it over my music, for fuck sake! I'm trying to blow up this church with my squadron of assassins in time to Sexy and I Know It!"

Peter rounded on Edmund, pointing an accusing finger an inch from his forehead. "_YOU_ stole my IPod!"

Edmund looked up at this, Peter's finger bopping him on the nose. "What? I did _not_! This is _mine_!"

"You don't even have an iPod!" Susan pointed out, both helpfully and unhelpfully, depending on whose side you were on.

Edmund scowled. "I do so!"

"No you don't!" Peter shouted.

"I DO!"

Lucy looked at Edmund innocently. "You wanted that PSP when we all wanted iPods, remember?"

"You little liar, Eddie!" Peter exclaimed.

Edmund narrowed his eyes at his younger sister. "You tale-telling little shit!"

Lucy smiled at him smugly as Peter snatched the iPod out of his pocket and pulled the earphones out of his ear. "The truth needed to be told."

Edmund's cheeks flushed pink with anger. "Well then, Saint Lucy, I guess you won't mind me telling Suzy that I saw you putting on her lippy this morning!"

Susan gasped in horror and Edmund grinned as Lucy glared at him. "I've been looking for that for hours! I told you not to use it! Take it off!"

"No!"

"Take it off _now_!"

"No way! It looks _much_ better on me than on you!"

Susan looked like she might faint. "Take that _back_! And take it off _NOW_!" She lunged at Lucy, her arms flailing manically in an attempt to wipe the lipstick off her sister's lips.

Edmund rolled his eyes and glanced back down at his game before looking up again in horror. "I'm d-dead…I'm dead!"

Peter stopped lazily scrolling through his Twitter feed and turned to his brother. "What're you talking ab-?"

"I've lost!" Edmund shouted in Peter's face. "I died and it's all your fault! If you hadn't distracted me and taken my iPod off me then-"

"It isn't even _your_ iPod! You admitted it!"

"I did not!"

"Did too!"

"Shut up!"

"No, you shut up!"

"Give me back my lipstick!"

"No! I don't know where it is anymore!"

"You're lying, give it here!"

"You can't make me!"

The noise of the children arguing got steadily louder and louder until-

"_BE QUIET!_" The Pevensie's mother had stormed in, unseen by her squabbling children. None of the children heard her over their own shouting.

"I-Is that…mascara on your eyelashes?" Susan gasped.

"N-"

"You _did_ steal my mascara!"

"I did not! I used mine!"

"You don't have any makeup! Mum won't let you have any, that's why you're always using mine!"

"I DON'T! STOP MAKING THINGS UP, SUZY!"

"I'M NOT! THIS MASCARA IS MINE! THE LIPPY'S MINE! YOU ALWAYS USE MY STUFF!"

"It's my iPod!"

"Just give it up, Eddie! We both know it isn't!"

"I am_ not_ a liar!"

"Yes you are! You always lie about everything!"

"I don't! I _never_ lie! Stop scrolling through my twitter!"

"OH MY GOD, EDDIE! YOU DON'T _HAVE_ TWITTER!"

"YES I DO!"

"JUST GO BACK TO YOUR GAME AND SHUT YOUR LYING GOB!"

"That's it!" Mrs Pevensie shouted, but not as loudly as before. "I give up! I can't take any more of this! You're all going to the summer camp I warned you about!"

All of the children stopped shouting simultaneously to stare at their mother, mouths agape, with identical looks of horrified shock on their faces.

The sudden silence rang through the air as their mother shrugged in reply to their unspoken questions and walked out of the room.

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**So? What did you think? Let me know with a lil' review! it's much appreciated and helps press the fast-forward button on my writing of more chapters!**


	2. The Journey to the Summer Camp

**RedIsNotAColour is so very sorry that she took so long upload a new chapter! RedIsNotAColour had to iron her hands! **

***Picks up nearby lamp and hits self with it* Bad RedIsNotAColour! Bad RedIsNotAColour!**

**(I sincerely hope you understand that reference, otherwise you must be very worried right now)**

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Stationary cars, trucks and buses honked and revved their engines angrily in the midday sun, petrol fumes wafting through the five centimetre gaps that separated one vehicle that could fry and egg on the bonnet from another that could turn liquid to steam within minutes, and through open windows, into the lungs of many an angry traveller.

Mrs Pevensie punched her car's horn repeatedly along with countless other drivers, each boiling to death in their own way as they glared ahead, each praying to their individual Gods (or just swearing like Dockers at the car in front to 'hurry the fuck up') that the traffic jam would end so they could all get to their respective destinations.

Edmund was sat behind his mother, clicking away at his Nintendo 3DS and occasionally muttering profanities at the screen – "Fuck you, you little blue shelled piece of shit…I was in first place until you fucked it up, Princess Peach, you fat bitch…"

Next to him sat Peter, who was kicking himself for getting distracted by a small poodle with a pink bow in its hair earlier that morning and losing his usual place in the passenger seat up front, whilst trying to slot his gangly legs into the spaces behind the two front seats in a way that didn't give him a wedgie.

He yelped as his sister, Susan, huffed and kicked his leg away from her and slapped him hard on the arm. The heat was making her sweat buckets, causing her shoddily applied foundation to slowly run down her face and her roughly stuck-on fake eyelashes to fall into her eyes – "For God's sake, Pete! This is _my_ part of the car! _Shove off_!"

To her immense annoyance, she was sat behind Lucy, who had called shotgun and claimed her place in the front seat in the smuggest fashion possible; she had, after all, secured the most comfortable seat in the car for their five hour journey. As usual, Lucy was sat on her phone, completely oblivious to her family's discomfort (minus Edmund, as he really couldn't care less as long as he had some sort of electrical games device in his hands).

She laughed her high-pitched, nasally giggle into her phone's microphone. "No way! No, there is no way I believe that…oh my god! ...Hahaha, really?! ...Well, I did ask Tiffany about that, but she said that Ryan was going to ask Mia out! … Yeah, I always thought-"

Susan glared at the headrest in front of her and crossed her sticky arms over her chest. "Lucy-"

"-he and Tasmin would get together…" Lucy continued babbling. "Oh my god, really?-"

"Lucy, stop talking-"

"-How did Tia react when she found out? … Oh my god! Hahahaha, poor girl!-"

"Seriously, Lucy-"

"-Well, I was told by Grace that James and Andrew were going to ask whatever that girl's called, the ginger? ...yeah, her-"

"Shut up-"

"-They were going to ask her and her sister to go with them to Amanda's birthday party-"

"Now-"

"-I don't see why, though. I mean, it's not as though…yeah, I know what you mean…I was just about to say that, yeah…oh, you know! Andrew's the one with the black hair! India's brother?-"

"Lucy-"

"Yeah, he's the one everyone thinks has a crush on Joe but he _swears_ he doesn't…Ahahaha, I know, right? Didn't you go out with him in year four?"

"LUCY!" Susan finally shouted shrilly, trying to stamp her foot but instead kneeing herself in the face.

Lucy, who had undone her seatbelt the minute the car entered the traffic jam, span around in her seat. "_WHAT?_"

"STOP TALKING!" Susan exclaimed dramatically, her hoop-earrings flapping wildly, missing Peter's face by mere inches. "You're _always_ talking! Give our ears a break for once! Your voice is _so_ annoying!"

Lucy's mouth hung open in shock as she glared at her sister and lifted the phone to her ear again. "I'll call you back." She informed her friend before ending the call, tossing her phone into the glove compartment and turning back to her sister. "Excuse me?" She laughed derisively. "_My_ voice is annoying? At least I don't sound like a _man_!"

Susan gasped, before lunging as far forward as her seatbelt would allow and making a swipe for Lucy's head (which she dodged by simply leaning back several inches, out of her easily rage-inducible elder sister's reach).

Peter rolled his eyes and sighed, scooting further away from Susan to avoid getting an elbow in the face. He stopped abruptly. "Damn…wedgie…" he muttered, pushing his torso into the air with his legs and right arm (Susan elbowed his knee several times, but he was too preoccupied to notice) while using the left to…you know, get rid of it.

It took Susan a minute or so to realise how futile her attack method was, but once she had, she calmed down considerably. She leant back into the sweaty faux-leather chair sulkily, aiming a kick at the back of Lucy's seat.

Her heel landed right on target, pushing Lucy into the car's dashboard, but pierced the seat's covering and stuck fast.

Susan swore under her breath, glancing over at her mother to see whether she had noticed. She hadn't. Thankfully the traffic had started moving, if only slowly.

She slipped her foot out of the shoe, reached down and tugged hard. Harder than necessary, actually; the shoe flew backwards and hit Peter square in the face.

"_Ouch_!" he cried, clutching his face and looking at Susan wildly. "What was that for?!"

"Oh for God's sake, Pete! Couldn't you see that was an accident?!" Susan snapped, ignoring the large, purple bruise rapidly forming around his eye.

"This might be shocking for you, Suzy, but you should know that not everyone pays attention to you all the time! I'd zoned out, it's so hot!"

"I guess that isn't so hard for you, seeing as you're thicker than a plank of wood but your skull's as hollow as a football."

Peter laughed at this. "Footballs aren't hollow-"

"Yes they are," Edmund piped up without taking his eyes off his game. "Even I know that and I've never even touched a real life one."

"Shut up, Eddie. No they aren't," Peter laughed at his siblings' stupidity and turned back to Susan. "That's quite hypocrisy-cal-"

"The word is _hypocritical_," Edmund prompted.

"How do you even know that?" Lucy questioned, genuinely interested for a change.

"You can't play as many different video games as I do without picking up some of the vocab," he replied simply whilst feverishly clicking three buttons at once. "That's how I convinced mum to buy me _Assassins Creed III_."

The traffic jam started moving at a more noticeable pace, so Lucy nodded and sat back in her seat, redoing her seatbelt.

"That's _hypocritical_ of you," Peter glared at nothing in particular. "When you put two and two together you get confused!"

"At least when I buy beauty products from the pound shop down the road I don't ask the staff how much everything is," Susan answered coolly.

"That was _one time_!" Peter defended.

"And?"

"C'mon, Pete. Even I don't do that and I'm eight years old." Lucy commented loudly as she picked her phone back up from the glove compartment.

"Just shut up and get back to babbling to your friends again, okay?"

"I would, but I can't hear them over the two of you!"

"I'm still waiting for your defence!" Susan interrupted the new argument brewing to bring the conversation back to her.

Peter was the one to glare at the back of Lucy's head this time. "_And_…and…it doesn't matter!" he finished lamely. "You're so stupid when someone told you that we live in the Milky Way…you thought it was the chocolate bar!"

"So did you!"

"That's not the point!" Peter's tone faltered as he realised his mistake. "I-"

"You're so dumb you crashed into a parked car!"  
"I was on my skateboard!"

"And you were in a car park! It's not hard to swerve!"

The two older children continued to bicker loudly as the youngest Pevensie rang her friend (a different one than before…she couldn't stand that one, not that the girl actually knew that). "Hey, Amanda! …Yeah I know! We haven't spoken in ages! Last Monday, wasn't it? …Yeah, so I'm just calling to let you know that I can't make your birthday party…yeah, I know…I was really looking forward to it…I'll miss you too! Yeah, I just have er-_unavoidable plans_" (She was never in a million years going to let her friends know she was being sent to a Summer camp for unmanageable children against her will.) "…sorry…Happy birthday for Saturday, though!..." she then continued 'babbling', as her brother put it, about various 'friends' lives, showing no signs of stopping for the next decade or so.

"Oh for fuck sake!" Edmund cried after a few minutes. "Will you all just shut the fuck up; I'm trying to play _Mario Kart_!"

As per usual, his pleas went unnoticed or ignored; Susan and Peter continued fighting, and Lucy continued yammering. He rolled his eyes and pulled Peter's iPod out of his pocket; placing the earphones in his ears and clicking the _play_ button on _Friday_ by _Rebecca Black_.

For the last fifteen minutes or so (time seemed to lose all meaning once the Pevensie children started arguing), Mrs Pevensie had listened to her children's fighting and was now wondering how her life could have possibly gone down hill any faster than it had. She stared ahead, trying to ignore her children as best she could whilst muttering "…Almost there, now…Just a few more miles…Nearly there…Everything's going to be just fine…"

"I'm bored."

"Me too. Are we there yet?"

"You seriously _want_ to get there, Pete?"

"No! 'Course not. I just want to get out of this car and away from you, Suzy."

"Booorrrrreeeeedddddd…."

"Shut up, Eddie. You've got your DS."

"But it just ran out of battery! I'm _bored_!"

"And I'm bored of being related to you but there isn't anything anyone can do about that now is there?"

"Don't be a bitch, Lucy, It doesn't suit you…_Oh_ _wait_, how would I know what you're really like when you're a bitch _all the time_!"

"Kids, kids…_KIDS_!" Mrs Pevensie cried, trying and failing to remain calm as she drove down a winding country road. After two hours, she had realised that her ears couldn't phase out the noise of their squabbling any more without her having to become permanently deaf. There was only approximately 20 minutes left of their journey now, so she felt she should at least try and create a happy atmosphere for the time being. A sort of calm before the storm, if you will. "Who wants to play I Spy?"

_Silence_.

Even Lucy stopped talking and suddenly became very interested in the countryside as it rushed past her window.

"Oh come on, you four!" Their mother exclaimed exasperatedly. "You'd rather argue than play a game to pass the time?"

_Silence_.

"You're all ignoring me on purpose, aren't you?"

_Silence_.

"I'll take that as a yes, then." She sighed. "Look, I'm…well, I'm not _sorry_, but…what else was I supposed to do? You're all completely unreasonable!"

_Silence_.

She sighed again and shook her head. "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with R."

"Road," Lucy deadpanned and Susan kicked the back of her chair, Peter and Edmund groaning at her breaking of their unspoken Silence Contract.

"_What? _It was obvious!"

"We aren't talking to her, remember?!" Susan snapped and Mrs Pevensie rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, Lucy," Peter groaned.

Edmund leaped onto the bandwagon with "Idiot."

Lucy crossed her arms over her chest defensively and inhaled, readying her defences. "I-"

"_It doesn't matter!_" Mrs Pevensie shouted, restraining from pulling her hair out in exasperation. "You're all talking now anyway; you might as well join in. Susan, you have a go."

The siblings in the back seat all looked at each other, deciding whether or not to talk to their mother; she only ever used their full names when she was _serious_ serious, rather than serious, not that they usually paid attention to it.

"I spy with my little eye," Susan muttered. "Something beginning with T."

Lucy swivelled in her seat to look her sister in the eye. "Trollop?"

"Why yes, I was spying a Trollop," Susan snarled, mentally changing her answer from 'Trees'. "Because I was looking at _you_."

"Susan! Lucy! Be quiet for five minutes _please_!" Mrs Pevensie half-sobbed exhaustedly. "Peter, you go."

"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with…" Peter paused for a minute, ignoring his sisters' glaring contest. "G."

"My offspring-induced grey hairs?" Mrs Pevensie guessed jokingly.

"Yep!" Peter beamed, thinking what he had been spying would make his mother happy.

Mrs Pevensie pushed the feeling that she had just been insulted into the little box in the corner of her mind and ignored him. "Edmund, your turn."

"I spy with my little eye," Edmund muttered, pulling his numb legs up to his chin and staring out the window. "Something beginning with B."

"Brown tree trunks?" Lucy guessed.

"No."

"We give up," Susan stated.

"Bored," Edmund answered, as though it were obvious.

Peter groaned. "You can't _see_ boredom, Eddie!"

"Dumbass…" Susan added.

"But I am!" Edmund defended angrily. "And this game-"

Mrs Pevensie finally snapped; whirling around in her seat, she cried. "_Why_ can't you all just be nice, pleasant children that get along? I was _trying_ to create a nice atmosphere before I drop you off at this place; I wasn't even sure whether I wanted to take you at all! But all this journey has told me is that I'm _doing the right thing_! I just-"

"_Eyes on the road!_" Lucy shouted and Mrs Pevensie turned around in time to see a green sign with the letters 'S HIN S M ER C M' printed across it becoming rapidly larger and closer as they sped towards it.

She jerked the steering wheel to the left, sending her children hurtling smack bang into the right hand side of the car (and each other). Swerving around the sign, the car skidded to a loud, unceremonious halt in a run-down car park.

"We're here!" She said breathlessly, barely able to keep the delight from her voice as she looked up at the building that her children would be staying in…miles and miles away from her…

She couldn't wait.

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**Review and maybe Lucy will stop talking! She's driving me crazy! I regret letting her and her siblings stay with me while I write this...**


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